Suicide doesn’t have to be the answer.

I attempted June 10th, 2018 at age 29 on the highway in front of a semi but was picked up by police and brought to the psychiatric center instead. I’m better now. I understand the symptoms.  I’m not afraid to tell my story if it can save others.

My story includes a series of childhood trauma. Theres a point when a man dressed us girls up like the Playboy magazines. My siblings and I were locked in a room with nothing but a hole in the floor for the bathroom. I went to six different elementary school kids. My biological mothers’ rights were taken from us by court. I was abused in foster care & slept in a closet. Once, I was told to do the dishes while I had drain tubes sticking out the side of my stomach from a surgery. I was adopted but started having symptoms of depression and paranoia from 5th grade. I was checking the locks and rooms habitually when I was alone. I’d hide in a closet and cry. PTSD surfaced in high school. I was having full blown panic attacks in the bathrooms and thought I was dying. Schizoaffective disorder surfaced right after the pandemic started. I cant wear a mask without feeling like im underwater and am suffocating. I lost 30 pounds and got shingles within those first two months. I started seeing blurs of people wearing masks over my shoulder and in the backseat of my car. They began telling me what to do.  Once, an ambulance had to get me at work bc of a panic attack. Once, i got kicked off a plane bc of a panic attack. So now I’m on disability and am writing my book.

This time around I didnt look to suicide. This time, conditions were severe but I was able to take a step back. I went on leave from work and participated in a 6-week program. Since, I’ve gained my weight back, I’ve gotten put on different medications, mostly have finished my book, pratice yoga, joined twitter and have gotten engaged to the man of my dreams. I dont feel completely healed, but I feel optimistic. The book is my way to let it all out.

People who are dont know or understand, lend a listening ear when you start noticing the symptoms. Sometimes its all a person may need. Friends, family, check on your loved ones. The ones that have disappeared during the pandemic as a result of regulations & career shifts. Check on the ones with textbook definitions of depression & suicidal. We share these things all the time. Whether they get likes or not doesnt mean they arent important. Be encouraging and help us find a meaning. And mostly, be kind to yourself and others.

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